I fucked up….
As I sit between these four walls I use to call a room, I’ve been looking back and remember so much that happened in this house. Today is my last day here; once I walk out that door, this place will be a memory…one big, amazing memory. I know it’s just a house, but I’m a sentimental person, and this place means everything to me. I entertained hundreds of people, and they entertained me in return. I honestly have more memories here than I did before I moved in, and that’s why it’s going to be so difficult to say goodbye. I actually get a little choked up just thinking about the reality that will come with today.
I guess one of the worst parts is that I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in months, probably because so much of what made this house what is was was because of someone I no longer have in my life. Regardless of what happened between September-May, it’s all that happened between January-August 2012 that brings me to this state. It would be nice if everything bad could be erased, just for the day, so we could reminisce about everything good. Looking back, I’m still not sure what was real and what wasn’t, or if it ever meant anything, but just for today, I’d like to pretend it did.
I was thrown into this house as an 18 year old boy with no idea how to live on my own. Now, over 2 years later, I leave as a almost 21 year old man with a greater sense of responsibility, appreciation, and self-esteem. I’ve grown so much here, so much so that this feels more of my home than my home as a child. I just can’t believe it’s over; all the nights just sitting on the couches watching movies or shows for hours, or having friends over and parties on the weekend, or just specific memories that take you back to the moment they happened.
Goodbye 224 E. Alta Ave., I bid you the sweetest of adieus.
One week until I move to State College, to Penn State University Park, or I as I like to call it, home. Ever since I was a small child, my dream was to attend Penn State, and though I have the two years, it was at the Altoona campus. But on the 24th, I move in up at State. Not many people get to live out their childhood dreams of astronauts, royalty, or professional athletes, but I do, and I couldn’t be happier or more grateful. I Am because We Are…Penn State. #PennState #forever
"I knew it was a great mistake for a man like me to fall in love…and I just let myself go."
Today, May 28th, 2013, marks the 500th day since I first talked to her at that blood drive on January 14th, 2012. That was the first day we talked in person with any intent of hanging out. We talked about setting up our first date. She told me about how she was still drunk from last time and had drank some more that morning. When I was on the table giving blood, she came over to talk to me. We both just awkwardly flirted with each other; smiling because we were talking to someone we thought was cute and worth getting to know.
I doubt either of us ever expected what would unravel between us over the last year and a half. One week later, she took my virginity, 3 months later, she had my heart, and now, 500 days later, she has given me the craziest time of my life. From the highest highs, to the lowest lows; from the memories I’ll cherish forever, and the ones I hope to forget, this girl was the reason for it all. She has made laugh, she has made me cry; she has given me hope, and she has given me despair.
She was the one I thought I’d be hearing wedding bells with, and now she’s the one that got away. I know what love is. Just because I’m young or never had a real girlfriend before, doesn’t mean that I didn’t truly love her. Maybe that’s why this has all hurt so much, because we had talks for the long term, and knowing that it’s an unlikely scenario makes it hurt that much more. She will always be my sunshine, the babs to my bugs, the Summer to my Tom, the Daisy to my Jay, and the Ellie to my Carl. But most importantly, she will always be my pretty, and the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I’ve had a lot of time to heal, and I don’t think it’s working very well. It’s been almost 9 months since everything went bad, and ever since then, my life hasn’t been even close to what it was before. It’s been over 2 months since things started regressing again during the spring semester, and once again, I’m still hurting.
There’s times when I want nothing to do with her, like when she hangs out with people who she probably shouldn’t be. I can’t stop her from hanging out with them, but it’s her choice, I just don’t understand why. People don’t change, and they’re still just as awful as they were. But then I think about her, become sad, and turn into the shell of a human I’ve been for a long time now.
She’s been home for 2 weeks now, but I’ve only seen her once, we haven’t been really talking that much, and she’s been with those certain people a lot so I don’t want to associate myself with that. I just wish everything was different, as I do everyday. As I’ve said before, last summer was the best time of my life, so much so I wouldn’t give it up for anything. As crazy as it sounds, I would go through everything that happened between September and now to relive the better half of last year. As much as I’ve hurt and fought and been taken to the edge of depression and worth, I would do it all again for that time when we were good, together, happy….you know, perfect. I’ve been sad and hurt before, none like what I’ve been, but still. I, however, have never been so happy as I had been from January until August.
I want to see her again, I really do. I will never to be able to be her friend, but I can be civil enough to spend time with her without letting my emotions make things awkward or anything like that.
I was asked by a friend if I thought she had ever loved me after what happened, saying that it seems hard to believe you could do what she did to me to someone you love. I was taken back by the question, because no one had ever really asked me straight forward like that. I admit, I did have to take a second and ponder my answer, but I said I did believe that she did. Now however, I do not know. There is a between regret for hurting someone and love, because I know she does regret what she did, but I couldn’t tell you with full honesty if she still has love for me anymore. I believe that once you love someone, those feelings will last for a long time after it’s over. I thought before that I had loved people, but after the love I felt for her, I know that that was actual love, and those other feelings were just enjoyment or pleasure, but not love.
I keep saying that there is still that small part of me that won’t give up. That little part that still believes in a miracle and that in two years, we could be reunited. I know that’s so long from now, but it’s not impossible. However, if there ever comes a day where I find someone I feel is truly better for me than what I had with her, or if she finds someone that is truly better for her than myself, I will let her go.
I’ve seen the movie “The Great Gatsby” twice in theaters, and probable chances that I see it a third. I love the movie, and it’s already one of my favorites ever. Reason being: I am Jay Gatsby. Since I’ve lost her, I’ve done everything I could to get her back, with no prevail. Now, I wait here for her to realize what she had, and unlike Daisy, make that call, and make me alive again.
Everyone I know thinks it’s a bad idea to even talk to her anymore, let alone think about her, care about her, and have fantasies of rekindling a flame on it’s last breath. They, however, cannot judge me, for everyone I know has had that one person they still care about, regardless of what everyone else said. If they could walk in my shoes and look at her through my eyes, and feel what I felt, they would understand. As long as I have my memories, and as long as I have my heart, I will love her.
So the semester has been over, and school is done. It is now summertime, but I know it’s not going to be anything like last summer. Last summer was the literately the happiest time of my life, and now it’s back, I have nothing. She’s home now, and I’ve seen her once and we had a long talk about everything. It was definitely needed, and it felt good to say a lot of what’s been on my mind. She told me a lot, but I don’t know how much she really meant. The fact that she’s “with” one guy, while now hanging out with another, makes me realize that none of what happen was my fault. In fact, I probably never had a chance of being the one she would be with. Frankly, if she wants to deal with two crazy people that have time and time again hurt her, that’s her prerogative. People don’t change, because people can’t and do not want to change. They will still use you, still hurt you, and still not be right for you. Maybe one day she’ll realize that.
Maybe one day I’ll be laying in bed one night and hear the doorbell ring, and it’ll be her. She doesn’t say a word, just calls both of them in front of me, and tells them she wants nothing to do with them. But that will never happen, and we will never be the same. This has been so difficult, and everyday since September has been a struggle. Everything in my life reminds me of her, and because of that, I will be alone. I will be alone because I can’t be with her, nor can I give myself to someone else until I no longer have those feelings or desires, and I know that will not be for a long time.
One day she will learn that it’s not all about apologizing and moving to the next thing. That eventually, when you mess up and want to keep something, you have to work to make things right; actually show you mean it, not just say sorry. I wish that it was summer 2012 again, I wish nothing had happened yet, I wish we were still just two dumb kids in love without a care in the world….but wishes don’t come true. I still hurt everyday, and all I want is the hurt to go away, one way or the other.